The Janitorial Conspiracy

ObamaJanitorsWhile the national and international media have been mired in the minutiae of the Obama administration’s triple scandal, our crack investigative staff have uncovered the real story. And it is more dramatic than the sensationalism that has been passing for news.

Let us first recap the major details of the scandals, in the order of their revelation:

First was the administration’s handling of the terrorist attack on Benghazi. Not only were the ambassador’s requests for greater security continually ignored, but also on the day of the attack members of the military who could have responded in time to save lives were told to “stand down.” After the attack, the Administration continued for weeks to call it a “spontaneous demonstration” in response to a vile anti-Muslim video. Then, instead of sending someone to the media who knew what had happened, such as Gregory Hicks, deputy chief of station in Libya, the administration sent Susan Rice, who was ignorant of the whole affair.

The second scandal was the IRS targeting of conservative applicants for tax-exempt status. The agency demanded all kinds of information from them that it had no legal right to seek, including donor lists, details of every speech the organizations had given, and their emails and letters to elected officials. In the case of applicants with religious affiliations, they even asked for the content of the applicants’ prayers.

Finally, there was the Justice Department’s probe of the Associated Press, which went far beyond both the agency’s authority and the law in investigating that organization. Michael Hastings called the probe the “single biggest assault on investigative journalists” he has ever witnessed and said he believes that it was “in direct retaliation” for the AP’s investigative reporting.

Right wing commentators were quick to accuse the President, the Secretary of State, and the Secretary of Defense of a cover-up in the Benghazi affair. Some went so far as to accuse these individuals of lying when they told the victims’ families, more than a week after the tragedy, that the video was at fault. The same right-wingers also mocked the claim of the President, Attorney General Holder, and the others that they had no knowledge of the IRS and Justice Department offenses.

Mainstream journalists at first were too dumbfounded to respond. Some, to their shame, accepted the spurious right-wing charges. The others made a heroic but unsuccessful effort to find an explanation favorable to the administration.

The main questions that eluded the mainstream media were, “How is it possible that the people in the highest levels of government, including those in charge of the offending departments, had no clue of relevant events? Is such a fact proof of incompetence or, worse, malfeasance?”

Now that our intrepid investigators have solved the puzzle and answered these questions, mainstream journalists and other administration supporters can relax.

What Our Reporters Found

Here are the findings of our reporters’ investigation:

All three scandals were the result of a conspiracy by three janitors, one in the White House, another in the Department of State, and the third in the Justice Department.

These janitors, whose names are being withheld at the request of the White House, had lost their jobs as a result of the Bush administration’s mishandling of the economy during his second term. When their unemployment benefits ran out, all three were forced to take positions well beneath their education and expertise.

The three janitors were employed in the White House, the State Department, and the Justice Department. Two had previously been computer programmers in private investment companies; the other had been a staff writer for a religious organization.

The computer programmers hacked into government computers and did a considerable amount of mischief over a three-year period. For example, one deleted all emails from State department computers in Washington, which explains why, although Ambassador Stevens warned about terrorism and asked for assistance, Hillary Clinton never received the messages.

The same former programmer also created a false video feed the night of the Benghazi attack and substituted it for the live feed. Thus all the White House staff who watched the unfolding drama from the situation room did not see the actual live video. By the time they realized that they had been duped, they had already issued the “stand down” order and given Susan Rice talking points they believed were accurate. Hillary was unable to go on the talk shows because, as she said, she had fallen and suffered a mild concussion.

Meanwhile, the other former programmer hacked into the IRS computers and subjected conservative applicants to harassment. The former speechwriter collaborated in devising bogus questionnaires. When the applicants returned the illegally requested information to the IRS, the two janitors intercepted it and sent much of it, in particular the names of conservative donors, to left-wing organizations. These two janitors also engineered the scandal with the Associated press in a similar manner.

In summary, our investigators established that President Obama, Hillary Clinton, and Eric Holder were victims of an elaborate hoax perpetrated by three highly educated individuals forced by circumstances created by the Bush administration to work in menial jobs. These individuals, all of whom are registered Republicans, were seeking to undermine Obama’s second term campaign as well as his program for solving the lingering problems from the Bush administration.

There is, in short, not the slightest evidence that anyone at any level of the Obama administration above the maintenance department had any part in the triple scandal that has been given so much attention in conservative media.

Copyright © 2013 by Vincent Ryan Ruggiero. All rights reserved