It is fairly common for an obituary to overstate the good qualities of the deceased person as a courtesy. In the case of a friend of mine who died a few weeks before Christmas 2024, no such courtesy was needed. Every word of the following obituary was factual:
It is with profound sadness that we announce the passing of our dear friend . . . [He] was a kind and generous soul who touched the lives of so many. Always putting others before himself, he was the first to lend a hand, even when he wasn’t feeling his best. His unwavering care and support for his friends defined him, creating a community of love and gratitude around him.
[He] cherished his friendships . . . and delighted in sharing stories and memories with the many people who were blessed to know him. Recently, he found great joy in the companionship of his beloved cat, Slater, who brought him comfort and happiness during these last few months.
Those who knew [him] will remember his warm heart, selflessness, and enduring kindness. He will be deeply missed but forever held close in the hearts of all who loved him. May his memory be a blessing to all.
I knew this special man for thirty years, and in all that time, I never heard him utter an unkindness about anyone or complain about the difficulties he experienced. When increasing age forced him to forgo the activities he had long enjoyed, he didn’t complain but accepted the new limitation graciously. When his wife died, he spoke of his thankfulness for the wonderful life they shared rather the pain of his loss. Always a gentleman, he treated everyone with respect and had the rare gift of brightening a gathering simply by joining it.
As I write, Christmas is two days away and readers may be puzzled by my choice of an obituary as the topic of my essay. They may expect instead a message about the Son of God lying in a manger with His blessed mother and foster father watching over Him, and of the life that was to fulfill hope and bring salvation to humankind. Such traditional messages, of course, remain at the heart of the Christmas celebration. This essay, far from competing with the message of faith, supports that message.
As Jesus made clear, “Not everyone who says to Me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but the one who does the will of My Father who is in heaven will enter.” (Matt 7: 21) In other words, though words may be important, behaving as God wishes is the key to Heaven. The two most important focuses of our behavior, Jesus stressed, are loving God and loving our neighbor. (Mark 12:30) And the apostle John added, “He who does not love his brother whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen.” (1 John 4:20.)
A great many people talk Christianity. Some also practice it. A smaller number make it their way of life. Yet deep in the heart of everyone is the desire to love God and let their lives demonstrate that love. Knowing someone like my recently deceased friend strengthens that desire and makes us wonder, “Where should I begin? What did that friend do to fulfill that desire in his life? How did he overcome the tendency to think unkindly of others, judge them harshly, and let that negativity govern his words and actions?”
I wish I had asked my friend those questions. I regret that I didn’t. But I know he must have developed ways of remaining positive and kind in moments when someone was thoughtless or rude or unkind to him. On such occasions, I am sure he invoked one of these habits of mind:
If the other person’s negative behavior was uncharacteristic, my friend’s reaction was no doubt to consider that the person was troubled by something—for example, a financial setback, or a difficulty with his/her spouse, or a medical problem, or bad news about a relative or friend. To entertain those possibilities would have turned my friend’s thoughts from feeling offended to forgiving the person and hoping the trouble would be overcome.
If, on the other hand, the other person’s negative behavior was typical, and therefore not easily dismissed, my friend would surely have followed a different thought pattern. He might have turned his thoughts to something positive about the person, such as her work with the poor or devotion to her elderly parents. Or he might wonder whether her upbringing had been deficient, or whether being neglected or abused as a child led to her negative behaviors. Either thought pattern would have caused my friend to pity rather than censure the person.
Am I suggesting my friend was a perfect human being? Not at all. Only that he was keenly aware of his own imperfection and the virtue of forgiving others for theirs. As I noted, the last line of his obituary read, “May his memory be a blessing to all.” Those who knew him can bring that blessing into their lives by following his example. Doing so will both honor him and praise God.
Copyright © 2024 by Vincent Ryan Ruggiero. All rights reserved.
